current obsession: downton abbey

the abc's of downton abbey:
accents. betrayal. class system. drama. envy. friendship. generosity. horses. infidelity. justice. kindness. love. melodrama. nobility. order. passion. questionable decisions. revolution. scandal. tension. unspoken desires. vengeance. world war. xenophobia. youth. zeal.

(i may or may not have watched the entire first season during The Great Seattle Snow Storm of 2012.)

Watch Downton Abbey Season 1 Preview on PBS. See more from Masterpiece.

Watch Downton Abbey Season 2 Preview on PBS. See more from Masterpiece.

Watch Downton Abbey: Why Americans Connect With It on PBS. See more from Masterpiece.

worth every minute! get into it.

from a dear friend, who knows about grief

From Kahlil Gibran's "Joy and Sorrow"

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

already is to freedom as not yet is to relief

hey guys,

some of you know that i am a part of a teaching team at my church, awake. (here's some context.)  i preached this past sunday and wanted to share what i wrote with you. see below for the transcript.

being relatively new to this whole homiletics thing (this was my sixth sermon), i would be honored by any thoughts you have in response.

i'm thankful as ever to belong to a community who values my voice - i, unordained and female.

xo

every day do something that won't compute

God bless Wendell Berry. And God bless Tim Tetrault who read this at my church last week and got me thinking.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

"Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" from The Country of Marriage, copyright ® 1973 by Wendell Berry

jealous?

Thanksgiving Day Menu at Chez Canlis

Roasted Turkey with Gravy
Brown Butter & Scallion Mashed Potatoes
Balsamic Braised Brussels with Pancetta
Sweet Potatoes with Blue Cheese & Pecans
Fresh Cornbread Casserole
Harvest Salad with Cranberries & Goat Cheese
Rosemary Bread
Apple Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream

where are the girl pastors?

the other day at my church, we were sort of "christening" a new pastor. he is an incredible man who has led our church unofficially for so long and his commission is well deserved. the other two pastors were up at the front with him. all three pastors are dear friends of mine and very good, godly men who i am honored to be led by.

a few seats to my left, a five year old boy whispered to his mother, "where are the girl pastors?"

this little moment made my heart soar. it embodies a breathtaking shift that is much needed and, so it seems, possible. a little boy who expects to see women in leadership. this is not a victorious or remarkable comment to him. it is simply a given: women are leaders too. what a relief. what a joy. what a privilege to be a part of a community of people raising children to assume that.

let it be known that while all three paid pastors at my church are men, women are in significant places of leadership at my church. in fact, this little boy was literally asking where our actual girl pastors are, because we have four female preachers. at my church, women teach. we lead, we strategize, we decide, we guide, we discern. and hear me when i say: as we well should. but this is truly (sadly) not at all a consensus in the church as a whole.

maybe, just maybe, that little five year old boy will grow up among other little boys and girls and they will all, innocently at first but eventually with conviction ask, "where are the girl pastors?" and "where are the girl CEOs?" and "where are the girl pioneers?"

or maybe the bigger dream is that he wouldn't have to ask because… there the girls are already, leading.

when it costs too much to love

i am currently interning as a therapist at a treatment facility for individuals struggling with eating disorders. this is difficult, beautiful, intricate, and saddening work. men and women who struggle with eating disorders cope with their most excruciating psychological pain in the physical realm, considering the high cost of death a viable option in light of what lies within. these people are ambivalent, self-destructive, full of longing, hyper-vigilant, sophisticated, afraid, lonely, sensitive, confused, and determined. the more i listen, the more familiar their struggles sound.

the other day, i was listening to fiona apple, a woman whose lyrics i've always strongly identified with - and a woman who admits she used to struggle with anorexia. she writes often of desire, self-deprivation, passion, distrust, and contempt.

here is a sampling of fiona's lyrics. i think if we are honest with ourselves, neither fiona's lyrics nor any individual's struggles with food are very far from home.

I'm a frightened, fickle person:
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'.
Can't take a good day without a bad one,
Don't feel just to smile until I had one.
Where did I learn?

(Honey, I've gone away.)

And if you wanna make sense,
Whatcha looking at me for?

I'm good at being uncomfortable so I can't stop changing all the time.

I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake.
I wanna mistake, why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should,
Almost always doing everybody good.
Why?

Curious, you're looking down your nose at me while you appease.
Courteous to try and help, but let me set your mind at ease:
Be kind to me or treat me mean -
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.
Do I so worry you?
No need to hurry to my side, it's very kind,
But it's to no avail.
I don't want the pill,
I promise you everything will be just fine.

(I miss that stupid ache.)

You feed the beast I have within me.
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run...
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning;
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun.

You'll never touch these things that I hold.
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own.
You'll never feel the heat of this soul.
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you.
You'll never live the life that I live.
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night.
You'll never hear the message I give.
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight...

I don't know what I'm doing, don't know -
Should I change my mind?
I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider.

I bet you could never tell that I knew you didn't know me that well.

Please forgive me for my distance,
The pain is evident in my existence.
Please forgive me for my distance,
The shame is manifest in my resistance to your love.

I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight,
And I will not let you win.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will disprove your faith in man.
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift,
But most of the time, it does.

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself.
All day and all night,
I wander the halls along the walls, and under my breath I say to myself
"I need fuel to take flight."
And there's too much going on,
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.
Is that why they call me a sullen girl?

And it's dangerous work trying to get to you.
And I wish if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it.

Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.

the dark and the light

this blog has been more "otherwise" than "delightful" lately, and for that i am (not very) sorry.

and yet. it has been lacking a sort of balance, the broader picture of my life and times. surely, my heart has been filled with aching, with nuanced feelings that only prose can effectively hold. but also, there have been laughs and moments of ease. i want this blog to reflect my life as fully as it can. (this is a lot to ask of a blog, but i still ask.) yes, the days are long, sleep is elusive, and i often feel saturated in pain. but life, despite its nonsensical cruelty, also has this essential goodness, this beautiful process of unfolding and offering kindness in unexpected places. even in darkness, here comes light to break it up.

so here is a list of the dark and the light, the delightful things and the otherwise things that have occupied my days:

• weekend trips: to the beach, to the city, to the mountains
• middle of the night phone calls with horrific news
• my loving husband's and my 3 year anniversary
• hearing a beloved friend wail in the wake of unbearable loss
• canceling plans i was looking forward to because i can't do it all
• pumpkin spice lattes
• copious amounts of fall TV
• painful realizations and conversations about marriage
• pining for the new feist and florence + the machine albums
• feeling too busy to breathe
• impromptu dance parties that last 2 hours
• grappling with insatiable desire
• reading tina fey's book, bossypants
• smoking more than a few cigarettes and being okay with that for now
• kind hugs from people who really know me
• becoming an actual therapist with actual clients
• wondering if i will be able live with myself if certain relationships remain broken forever
• sharing meals with people who love to eat
• thinking about death and all it forces us to face about life
• laughing at inappropriate things, and that wonderful moment when you discover that someone else is laughing at that inappropriate thing too
• existential groaning and wordless prayers
• seeing my own against-all-odds growth 
• desperately wanting to lay in bed for a month straight
• thinking about graduation and what's next
• thinking about graduation and what will be lost
• the daily play my puppy mirabel requires me to engage in and that i always end up loving
• being a part of (truly) the most incredible community i can imagine

on despair

today at 11:15 am, i felt despair and cried. today at 6:45 pm, i saw despair in another and trembled.

despair is a precise and real
-ly tricky thing
(paradoxical unbearable essential)
how sorrowful to spy it in the face of its carrier
how helpless we are in its wake

in my deepest despair, i find myself
rattling and spinning and yet -
fuller and more gloriously alive
than any easy moment ever could muster.
but the courage to approach it, and
the constitution to endure;
the ache, the searing soreness of unmet needs
and unsatisfiable desires
scarcely feel worth their weight in blood or sweat -
i want to trade my skin
for thicker easier lighter other skin
i want desire and disappointment and despair
(a hideously kindred trio)
to be gone far gone

until (just now) so briefly
i saw myself. despaired yes alive yes
a carrier too
but i knew in my bones and with a w(ea)ry smile that
i am not who i was
i am something else something
human: finally
me.
miserably, desperately, richly, me.
and i thank God

despair it seems is [an accurate response
to life and so is]
gratitude

theme song

(You are my desire)

Today I dared imagine that you are alive
That your heart is full of blood and hiccups along with mine
That you are not listless at all, but vibrantly, terribly alive
You whom I have (never fully) held
You whom I only fathom the risk of reaching for
You, my desire, are fickle in posture
And endlessly restless
Wandering from moment to baffling moment
Coming in bursts and never meaning to

Today I dared imagine that you are for me
That I might not always pine
That one ordinary afternoon
I might know you and let you pierce my skin and flow through me
Touching every nerve along your way

Today I dared imagine that you were mine already
And you, fully aware of your
Sweet and prickly presence,
Your propensity to haunt my periphery
I dared hope this halfhearted pursuit was rife with intention and aimed at completion

Today I dared imagine that I would not always ache
And try to toss you out, sweet desire
But that I would reveal myself to you and you to me and we would merge
Trembling but unafraid
Rightly one, as was the plan from Eve

Today I dared dream that I was alive
That I was thought of and that my properties
My particularities were fascinating and troubling and affecting
My body was observed, my soul perceived

Today I dared imagine an ordinary afternoon wherein this woman took hold of her desire

We are closer than I think

you never know

a swirling fantastical haze
at once murky and precise in its movement
round my skull and in my chest cavity.
consuming and unknowable
i anyway take my scalpel and try to cut
(that which blares
invisible)
the tension as they say, but it will not be
punctured

we walk as familiar strangers, smiling and
terrified, never to utter a word
never, not ever
easy laughter meaning full and meaning less
with each encounter

i enjoy it so, this blinding, this
atmosphere of dust and daggers-unpiercing
i want to know (dear God)
and i don't won't cannot
may i never understand that which i dissect with
preoccupation unprecedented
dear God, i want to know

you                                  never know